So I finally broke down and committed to writing one of these here Game Reports.
Unfortunately, when I pledged my sacred honour and assured all and sundry that I would
show up for duty on the 30th, I forgot that it was Tuesday. On Tuesday, I'm usually
busy, and last night was no exception; I didn't get home until the game was nearly over.
Thankfully, I remembered to set up my VCR before I left this morning. So, ladies and gents, I bring you the
baseball edition of Fast Forward Theatre, or: Blue Jays In Fifteen Minutes (just heat and serve). Ready? Go!
Pregame: Shea Hillenbrand, pool shark.
Top 1: Bat. Oops. (Did somebody in the bullpen catch that?) Bat. Steroid-free whiff. To dugout without further damage.
Bot 1: Shot of Gibbons looking managerial. Do they teach that somewhere? Adams reaches base: yay, Russ. Adams steals second: yay, Russ. I pronounce the leadoff problem solved, thank you. V-Dub strikeout: Vern, don't you know that your job is to drive in every single runner in scoring position? Ya bum, ya.
Break: After seeing all those Wendy's commercials, I solemnly pledge never to have ranch dressing on anything ever again ever.
Top 2: Ground out, ground out, ground out. Keep hitting the top half, boys.
Bot 2: Outfielder fall down, Shea on third. (Remember, a long time ago, when the Orioles were justifiably proud of their team defense? Y'all are probably too young for that.) Zaun drives him in, making the score 1-1 and sparing us more complaints about the Jays not being able to bring runners home from third with less than two
out. Memo to everybody: stop, already. Two runners on base; two runners off base. Yay! Zaun nearly overrun by Sparky; Jays look like they have invented a new sport, Synchronized Baserunning.
Break: Shea pool shark again.
Top 3: Liner. Ground ball. Bunt. Bunt? How rude! Fly ball.
Break: Me no want Cogeco.
Bot 3: Koskie is now holding his bat upright, like Ichiro!, when settling into the box. Result is still the same: a right turn at first base. The Dude hits one to the base of the wall. All this, and bad luck too.
Top 4: Steroid-free popup. Squibbler. Whiffo: try the 9-iron, Jay. B.J. Surhoff is still playing!? I thought he had been embalmed by now! More squibbler.
Break: Ong Bak! No stunt doubles!
Bot 4: Just noticed that O's have all-Lopez battery. Memo: try using J-Lo instead of Rodrigo next time. Double from Gregg; our hero. Wild pitch. But then, the Jays, obviously lacking intestinal fortitude... (are you sitting down?) Fail To Get The Runner Home From Third! Will this be the Turning Point? (Hint: no.)
Break: Curt Schilling beaten like gong. Time waits for no man.
Top 5: Out. Out. Pokey little double. Liner up gap, held to single. Out. Zzzzzz. Wake me when they get within four. You mean they are within four? Oh.
Bot 5: Koskie doubles. Shea doubles. Mound conference. Hinske singles on grounder between first and second (i.e., the O-Dog Would Have Had That). Mound conference. Zaun singles. Phone rings in pen. Rodrigo nervously plays with gum. Johnson plates runner with Vital Less Than Two Out Ground Ball. Mound conference. Exit Rodrigo.
Top 6: Steroid-free lineout. Ball behind Javy. Error. Ye olde twin killing; O-Dog gets style points for sideways flip.
Bot 6: Out. Out. Hit. Out. Meh.
Break: I pity the advertiser whose job it is to make McDogfoods seem edible. Seriously: me no want Cogeco.
Top 7: Three outs later, it's safe to assume that this is one of Bush's good days.
Break: Ong-Bak! No wires!
Bot 7: Out. Out. Walk. Out. Yeah, like your life is interesting all the time.
Top 8: Jason in. Out. Squibbler. Steroid-free called strikeout. Jason out. Yay, Jason.
Break: The kinder, gentler Stephen Harper. Sorry to interject politics into this, but: bwa ha ha ha ha.
Bot 8: Nothing eventful happened in this inning either. Life is like that sometimes.
Top 9: Jason out. Justin in. Nice catch, Vernon! Justin out. That's all she wrote. Jays back over .500. Executive summary: yay.
A couple of notes, while I still have your attention:
- So I gather that Rafael Palmeiro is less than popular in Toronto. Good Lord, that was a lot of booing. I suppose that Palmeiro's wearing ear plugs only encouraged the fans to boo louder. Not that I'm opposed to booing Raffy, mind. How many times has he beaten the Jays with what could allegedly have been artificially-enhanced long bombs? And are we going to get any of those wins back? Are we heck. Booo!
- Dave Bush is going hard core: he's got the shaved head / square chin with stubble look. He is beginning to resemble Henry Rollins. He looks like he could have stepped in and taken over Black Flag's singing duties without a moment's hesitation. Rise above, Dave! Rise above!
- Life is good when the Jays beat the Evil Baltimores. (As for why the Baltimores are evil: that's a topic for another day.)
P.S.: Magpie, I eat pressure for breakfast.
Unfortunately, when I pledged my sacred honour and assured all and sundry that I would
show up for duty on the 30th, I forgot that it was Tuesday. On Tuesday, I'm usually
busy, and last night was no exception; I didn't get home until the game was nearly over.
Thankfully, I remembered to set up my VCR before I left this morning. So, ladies and gents, I bring you the
baseball edition of Fast Forward Theatre, or: Blue Jays In Fifteen Minutes (just heat and serve). Ready? Go!
Pregame: Shea Hillenbrand, pool shark.
Top 1: Bat. Oops. (Did somebody in the bullpen catch that?) Bat. Steroid-free whiff. To dugout without further damage.
Bot 1: Shot of Gibbons looking managerial. Do they teach that somewhere? Adams reaches base: yay, Russ. Adams steals second: yay, Russ. I pronounce the leadoff problem solved, thank you. V-Dub strikeout: Vern, don't you know that your job is to drive in every single runner in scoring position? Ya bum, ya.
Break: After seeing all those Wendy's commercials, I solemnly pledge never to have ranch dressing on anything ever again ever.
Top 2: Ground out, ground out, ground out. Keep hitting the top half, boys.
Bot 2: Outfielder fall down, Shea on third. (Remember, a long time ago, when the Orioles were justifiably proud of their team defense? Y'all are probably too young for that.) Zaun drives him in, making the score 1-1 and sparing us more complaints about the Jays not being able to bring runners home from third with less than two
out. Memo to everybody: stop, already. Two runners on base; two runners off base. Yay! Zaun nearly overrun by Sparky; Jays look like they have invented a new sport, Synchronized Baserunning.
Break: Shea pool shark again.
Top 3: Liner. Ground ball. Bunt. Bunt? How rude! Fly ball.
Break: Me no want Cogeco.
Bot 3: Koskie is now holding his bat upright, like Ichiro!, when settling into the box. Result is still the same: a right turn at first base. The Dude hits one to the base of the wall. All this, and bad luck too.
Top 4: Steroid-free popup. Squibbler. Whiffo: try the 9-iron, Jay. B.J. Surhoff is still playing!? I thought he had been embalmed by now! More squibbler.
Break: Ong Bak! No stunt doubles!
Bot 4: Just noticed that O's have all-Lopez battery. Memo: try using J-Lo instead of Rodrigo next time. Double from Gregg; our hero. Wild pitch. But then, the Jays, obviously lacking intestinal fortitude... (are you sitting down?) Fail To Get The Runner Home From Third! Will this be the Turning Point? (Hint: no.)
Break: Curt Schilling beaten like gong. Time waits for no man.
Top 5: Out. Out. Pokey little double. Liner up gap, held to single. Out. Zzzzzz. Wake me when they get within four. You mean they are within four? Oh.
Bot 5: Koskie doubles. Shea doubles. Mound conference. Hinske singles on grounder between first and second (i.e., the O-Dog Would Have Had That). Mound conference. Zaun singles. Phone rings in pen. Rodrigo nervously plays with gum. Johnson plates runner with Vital Less Than Two Out Ground Ball. Mound conference. Exit Rodrigo.
Top 6: Steroid-free lineout. Ball behind Javy. Error. Ye olde twin killing; O-Dog gets style points for sideways flip.
Bot 6: Out. Out. Hit. Out. Meh.
Break: I pity the advertiser whose job it is to make McDogfoods seem edible. Seriously: me no want Cogeco.
Top 7: Three outs later, it's safe to assume that this is one of Bush's good days.
Break: Ong-Bak! No wires!
Bot 7: Out. Out. Walk. Out. Yeah, like your life is interesting all the time.
Top 8: Jason in. Out. Squibbler. Steroid-free called strikeout. Jason out. Yay, Jason.
Break: The kinder, gentler Stephen Harper. Sorry to interject politics into this, but: bwa ha ha ha ha.
Bot 8: Nothing eventful happened in this inning either. Life is like that sometimes.
Top 9: Jason out. Justin in. Nice catch, Vernon! Justin out. That's all she wrote. Jays back over .500. Executive summary: yay.
A couple of notes, while I still have your attention:
- So I gather that Rafael Palmeiro is less than popular in Toronto. Good Lord, that was a lot of booing. I suppose that Palmeiro's wearing ear plugs only encouraged the fans to boo louder. Not that I'm opposed to booing Raffy, mind. How many times has he beaten the Jays with what could allegedly have been artificially-enhanced long bombs? And are we going to get any of those wins back? Are we heck. Booo!
- Dave Bush is going hard core: he's got the shaved head / square chin with stubble look. He is beginning to resemble Henry Rollins. He looks like he could have stepped in and taken over Black Flag's singing duties without a moment's hesitation. Rise above, Dave! Rise above!
- Life is good when the Jays beat the Evil Baltimores. (As for why the Baltimores are evil: that's a topic for another day.)
P.S.: Magpie, I eat pressure for breakfast.
