Her pocket-bound quarry forgotten, Alice called after the truant feline. 'O! I'm sorry, kitten! Please, come back! I'll put out a saucer of milk for you, and then we'll have tea, and when you grow up, you can have crumpets with me!' (Alice believed that kittens grew up to eat all manner of pastries, as she had once mis-heard her father saying 'Let cats eat cake.') 'Please, do return, Dinah!'
Dinah did not return, though Alice wept bitterly for her. It is not well-known in England, but in those parts the saying went 'If your cat runs off the path/Leave it, or you'll feel God's wrath.' For, you see, Dinah had run into a cat-eating bavor plant, easily recognized by its distinctive smell.
Alice spent many years wandering those lands, searching for her lost kitten. (You see, in those lands kittens and little girls age very slowly, so though she spent years looking, she aged only a few months.) She never truly settled in any one place, for any time she did, a sound or a smell would remind her of her lost pet.
It was a crisp autumn day as Alice walked down the cobbled path. She quietly cursed at the bavor plants lining the way, calling them ninnies and dirty-pants, those being the strongest curse words she knew. Bavor leaves rustled on her left, but before she could look, a huge, dirty hand grabbed her from behind, and Alice's world went dark.
When Alice awoke, she was faced with a face that frightened her to her core.
'What... what are you?' she demanded of the beast before her.
'A baseball fan, of course. Don't you understand? This is the way of the world. Growing this has changed everything. I prepared a Data Table.' Alice looked impressed. Data Tables were often impenetrable, but this brute had the look of someone whose Data Tables would be easy to understand.
THE MOST IMPORTANT DATA TABLE YOU WILL EVER SEE
BY JOE DREW
Blue Jays Winning Percentage Without Mustache: .509 (53-51)
Blue Jays Winning Percentage With Mustache: .600 (9-6)
'I see,' said Alice.
'I can tell that you are still skeptical,' the beast rumbled. 'Would it surprise you to know that, not only has the the Power of the Fu Manchu strengthened my favourite baseball team, it has brought Dinah back to life!' With a flourish, he produced the mewling kitten.
Squealing, Alice grabbed her cat from the barbarian's paws. 'Dinah! You're alive! I knew I would find you one day!' She covered the kitten with kisses, and as she kissed, the kitten got larger—and fuzzier—and cuter—and softer—until...
...she wasn't a cat at all. She was baby Theo, and Alice had turned into Named For Hank!
Since all semblance of being like Caroll has passed, I will leave you with a few final thoughts.
- My Crystal Ball 2004 Mid-Season Wrap-Up featured a much more polished and accurate Caroll impersonation.
- I did not actually watch this game. I don't know what the score was. I assume you all can look it up. :)
- This is another photo taken when the Batter's Box Roster Converged On Toronto. From left to right, top to bottom: Dave Till, Gerry, Vanessa (Mrs. NFH), Named For Hank himself, Leigh, Thomas, and Jordan. Not pictured include Coach, Pistol, and of course me.
