Like NFH so graciously stated a few weeks ago, I don’t really analyze.. That’s not my thing. If I tried to everyone would just point and laugh and say “That’s not how you calculate runs created!” I mean, what can I do? Make a data table? I’m here to theorize about everything and everything, I’m a psych major after all. And without further ado, here’s Jobu’s Baseball HodgePodge (not affiliated with Dave Hodge or Richard Podge Valenzano). We begin with an episode of...
Tonight, in a very special episode of Too Many Molinas!, the boys visit the Toronto Blue Jays Clubhouse.
Bengie: Wow, I’m so excited to start our new baseball magazine. Going around and inteviewing our fellow players.
Jose: And I’m so excited Dad didn’t see us sneak out to go reporting. Heh.
Yadier: And I’M so excited that they got a buffet in here!
Bengie/Jose: Yadier....!
Zaun: Hello boys, I’ve been expecting you. My name is Gregory Zaun. Catcher for these Toronto Blue Jays. Would you like to do an article about me? I originally grew up in Wales where I was quite the cricket player, but my old gammy leg.... I pulled a string you see....
Yadier: Sheesh.. This guy’s about as exciting as Dad’s cooking!
Bengie: What my brother MEANT to say was, perhaps we could start our article by speaking to your coach?
Zaun: Well... you can TRY boys....
Gibby: Dang ol welcome to the clubhouse man! Siflk dirs sidrarh fling olf dur an petei sfhi frige interview man.
Jose: I can’t understand a word he said! We’ll never get any work done if we can’t write what he says... maybe we should talk to Orlando Hudson
(Turns to Orlando who opens his mouth just about to speak)
Bengie: Actually... maybe we should find someone new. I hear Miguel is a very articulate person
Miggy: (putting down his copy of Spanish Law vs Supernatual Serial Killers) Hello fellow children of God. What can I do for you? Come... sit under my portrait.
Bengie: Uhhh... Mr. Batista, could you tell us a little bit of what pressures you feel as the team’s closer?
Miggy: Of course... if I had to draw an analogy... I would say it’s like potatoes and rice...
Jose: What?
Miggy: Well, it’s like a alley knife fight. I aim to kill the other person. When I go up to pitch, I want to kill each and every person I see.... both spiritually and physically.
Yadier: But... what does that have to do with potatoes and rice??
Miggy: Ah... I see you’ve never had potatoes and rice before...
Jose: Okay... new plan of attack, lets try talking to some of the younger guys. Oh, there’s Eric Hinske.
Eric: Nobody calls me Hinske. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man.
Yadier: I really dig your game man. You’ve been getting a bad rap.
Eric: *$&%(* - A man! Thanks! I’m gonna fix myself a white russian, you want in?
Bengie: Actually Eric, we were wondering how you felt about your huge slump this year
Eric: Well *$&% guys... I can explain that... someone took my $*%&(* rug man... how’m I suppose to bat without my rug? That rug really held the clubhouse together.
Jose: Rug?? I thought you would have talked about the batting coach, or the fan’s booing or something..
Eric: Those #*(&$# nhilists man!
Jose: AGGGHHH!! There’s Jason Frasor, maybe he’ll say something usefull
Bengie: Uh.... Mr. Frasor....
Jason: EXTREMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Bengie: Oh forget it!! Let’s try a rookie, there’s Chacin
Yadier: Mr. Chacin, any thoughts about your last start?
Gus:Tonight let us make them remember: This is ZION, and we ARE NOT AFRAID.
Bengie: Uhhh.... are you saying you weren’t happy with your last start?
Gus:No, what happened, happened and couldn't have happened any other way.
Bengie: What do they serve these guys? What the heck? Palmeiro?? What are you doing in here, this isn’t the Baltimore clubhouse.
Raffy: I have never been a member of the Baltimore Orioles. Period.
Jose: This is getting insane!! Look! There’s Jamie Campbell! Maybe he’ll be the voice of reason.
Jamie: I’m sorry boys I can’t help you. I’m driven to pose in another sexy dramatic photo shoot.
Bengie: Look out! It’s Billy Joel!!
Billy: I’m drunk driving my CADILLAC-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK
Yadier: Jeez bros... what are we gonna do?? None of our interviews are any good, Billy Joel crushed half the team, and "Dad" Shulman’s gonna be super upset when we get home without a reason!
Russ: Well heck boys... I ain’t no therapist, but maybe it’s time you boys came clean with your pops.
B/J/Y: Thrillhouse?!
Russ: The one and the same... heh. Now you boys should know that you’re part of a family, and being part of a family is a lot like being part of a ballclub.
Yadier: You mean we get to spit on the floor?!
B/J: Yadier!
Russ: Heh, no. But you do need a lot of teamwork to be successful. Now when you lie to your dad and sneak out of the house like this, that’s not being part of the team. Just think how worried sick Dad must be right now if you boys went on the DL or something... wandering all around the clubhouse like this. Why don’t you head on home and tell him you’re sorry?
Jose: Gee... thanks Mr. House. We will. I think we finally learn what team responsibility is all about.
Dad (narrating): And the boys DID come home. All thanks to a wise old stranger. And everyone was happy... well, except Neil Young who wasn’t impressed.
There, wasn’t that fun? Oh... I still have space to kill...hmm...maybe I can put in a spiffy graph comparing the careers of Corey Feldman and Corey Haim:
There, Pistol would be proud. They both began to rise sharply in the mid 80s with team hits like License to Drive. They reached their peaks in the early 90s though Feldman was always bigger. He was the voice of Donatello! Well... not in part II, they didn’t bring him back for that, but he was back for part III! Haim’s star was never as bright as Feldman’s. Then they both kinda... well.... plummeted I guess is the word. Haim had a brief ressurgence with the “so bad its good” Snowboard Acadamy in 1996 (seen it yet, NFH?). Then he went away, whereas Feldman was in that Moby video and the Surreal Life where he always cried for some reason, so he gets a nice little blip. Oh right... back to baseball, here’s some random thoughts:
- In the long history of baseball and its dumber fans, how come no one ever put an S in front of the H in Designated Hitter? It seems like the ultimate bad joke waiting to happen with surly fans. “Designated Hitter?! The way our guy hits, they might as well call him the Designated *hitter!” Just a thought.
- Remember when Kelly Gruber got his turn at the mic on that stage when the Jays won the '92 series and he was wearing that “teacher’s jacket” with the leather patches on his elbows? Man, that’s my most vivid memory of that series. What confidence to wear a jacket like that to a parade. I wish I had a photo.
- If it’s the last play of a key game, and the home hitter looks like he hit a lazy fly out to the OF, if the ball boy runs in and makes a diving catch in front of the confused OF, does that count as a double for the batter on interference?
- In the 8th inning of the tied Tigers/Jays game a few days ago, me and my loser friend Rick decided to make a super RBI pool while sitting in our fancy 100 level seats. It was super because instead of putting in loonies we bet a rib dinner. That’s right, we each took one Jay, and if that Jay got the next RBI (and therefore probably wins the game) the person who believed in him is treated to a rib dinner that night. He chose Rios, I chose O-Dog. In conclusion: Lone Star Grill has “OK” ribs, but they taste fabulous when they’re free.
- I assume a lot of you are addicted to fantasy baseball like me. I hope that most of you aren’t as far over the edge as me that you actually waste money on fantasy baseball magazines like I do. Is there a more “what happened last year will happen forever” bunch of people then fantasy magazine writers? In all my magazines their “predictions” had the Jays finishing LAST this year behind Tampa. It doesn’t take a stats wiz to figure the Jays weren’t gonna be last this year and Tampa was gonna be as useless as Rocky VI. These guys get paid for this? Can I get paid to “predict” that Nick Nolte will go crazy?
- In the amazing history of baseball pranks, why hasn’t the “tamper with the rookie’s entrance music” idea been tapped? It’s just begging to happen. Imagine the look on Hill’s face when he’s forced to walk up to the plate to the theme from Cats or “Material Girl”.
- Thrillhouse, Thillhouse, Hillhouse, Hillenhouse...Just think about it, that’s all I ask.
- Does Kevin Costner have any baseball movies coming? I’ve had my fill of recent baseball comedies that aren’t as good as Major League. I wanna see baseball hit some nice dramatic chops again.
- What are the logistics of having Miggy enter the game through a trapdoor in the mound?
Well, I should probably leave you be now. Half of you are probably still trying to work your way through the saga of my last game report. Mucho thanks to Rob, the Batter's Box Rookie of the Year, for his aid during this report. GO JAYS GO! Support your local Cheer Club.
