Conan like tonight's game. Plenty good.

The Jays are unbeaten on Tuesday night, which brings us to Craig's mysterious Wednesday Game Report mojo. Craig is over-extended, and needs someone else to pick up his Game Reports. We all said "uh-huh" and left it at that. Around the eighth inning tonight, we all realized that no one was planning to write a Game Report. Rob had mentioned that maybe he could help out if he didn't have to write up a Monday game that week, but then he went and pinch-hit for Pepper on the weekend.

Craig was about to write a Game Report based on one inning, when I had one of my goofy ideas...

Because it is always fun to listen to the groaning and wailing of your enemies, tonight's Game Report is really a dialogue. It is a duet, to be precise, but with many voices. In the Blue corner are the Bauxites logged in to the Game Chat. In the Red Corner are the Sons of Sam Horn. So, a big Box welcome to NufCed, DeweysNewStance and the rest of you from The Other Place. Bauxites, you know who you are. Now touch gloves, and come out swinging.

What were they thinking in Boston, as game time approached?

Pre-Game

BrunanskysSlide - Please don't suck today, Wells. That is all.

5belongstoGeorge - You owe us David Wells. You owe your teammates and the Red Sox Nation a professional performance. Don't ever spout off with a "... I've been in the Big Leagues 18 years and I know what I am doing..." and then suck like you did.

jose melendez - It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME...There has been a lot of talk early in the season about why Jose can’t find last year’s form...So Jose’s official, pass the buck explanation is that this team is simply not funny enough. They traded the hysterical, handshaking OC for the shy, retiring ER. The replaced a Yoda mask wearing pitcher with a fat tub of goo...So the Sox need to make some moves to get funnier, and if this means reacquiring Ricky Henderson, so be it.

Joe D Reid - The "Cities Who Hate David Wells" Tour continues tonight with a stop in Toronto, following stops in New York, and, well, Boston. Let the rage flow through you, fat boy. Go get 'em.

And in Toronto, we had one thing on our minds...

HollywoodHartman - Hear about Halladay?

Pepper - Yeah.. someone just posted about it on the site (Mike D, I think). Hopefully he won't be out too long. I'm glad the Jays are being cautious with him. He's the backbone of the Jays. If he wrecks his arm, the Jays can forget about contending in the next 3-4 years.

First Inning

Ryan-C - Walks are bad, especially leadoff walks, especially to Damon.

switchhitter33 - Holy crap, Rent got a hit.

HollywoodHartman - Get Walker ready?

VBF - Get Walker ready? After two batters?

normstalls - Nothing, I repeat, nothing is worse than the run-scoring play (long pause) GIDP. Craving the 3 run jack...

941827 - GameDay is a cruel mistress.

Second Inning

DaveTill - Bush slowly finding range - two double play balls already.

VBF - David Wells had lost a lot of weight last year but it looks like he's gained it all back.

mr guido - Nice hustle Wells. He can walk off the field thinking they got the 3rd out, but he can't move his fat ass over to cover first base.

PepperMoffatt - It's hard to defend baseball to my B-school colleagues when a 42-year old obese man is a pretty good major league player.

Cristian - If you're up 3-0 in the count against Wells, wouldn't you swing away on the next pitch? The guy hates to walk batters so you know your getting something in the middle of the plate.

Third Inning

Magpie - The Red Sox are Dave Bush's daddy.

HollywoodHartman - That's what happens when he keeps falling behind in the count.

Red Averages - That was an awful slide by Ortiz. His whole body was past home plate before he reached out his hand to tag the plate. If he used one of his legs thats another run. Oh well, 3-0.

DrZarco - Great tag by Zaun. Bush has gotta stop falling behind, or he won't make it out of the 4th.

Return of the Dewey - Gotta say though, that sometimes watching Millar and Ortiz try to run fast is kinda funny. It's like watching a fat C3PO try to run.

Fourth Inning

normstalls - Why Tor changing pitchers?

Who The Hell is Stan Papi - Bush stunk.

DaveTill - Dave Bush has got to be hearing footsteps. Rosario is kicking butt in Syracuse.

HollywoodHartman - HAZEL MAE!

ajw1918 - Hazel... Diiiiiiiirty blonde hair ...

thisyearisthe - This Scott Downs guy is looking pretty sharp. Maybe he should have started...

Nuf Ced - I would like to make a citizen's arrest of Kevin Millar for stealing money. Anything to get him out of that lineup.

thisyearisthe - uh oh...4 pitch walk, error by varitek. Time for a dp?

VBF - HILL HILL HILL HILL

Nuf Ced - Christ on a crutch.

VBF - On behalf of the Aaron Hill fan Club, we are taking partial credit for his success. He is the nicest ballplayer I have EVER Met.

FungosWithJimy - Hill?? HILL?????

DaveTill - going... going!!!

HollywoodHartman - ZAUN!

switchhitter33 - @#%$ @#%$ @#%$

Nuf Ced - At least someone can perform when he comes off the DL......too bad it's Gregg Zaun.

varitekdotcom - David Wells - embedded Blue Jay?

Red Averages - You guys are idiots... idiots if you think that David Wells will not be an asset for this team. Remember, he is coming off an injury. He didn't do any rehab work so he will obviously get tired easier.

FungosWithJimy - He didn't do any rehab work? Ok. So he sucks and he's a moron.

Fifth Inning

DrZarco - Nice laser over to first-kid's got an arm!

DaveTill - Hill's got a great arm, he runs well, and the ball jumps off his bat - looks like we have a keeper here.

VBF - Scott Downs is making a strong bid for his name on my back.

Deweys New Stance - Nice catch by Millar. Hopefully this means Fatty Arbuckle has settled down and will actually give us a chance to win this game.

soxfaninyankeeland - I think David Wells will be an asset to the Sox this year. However, if he was on fire, I wouldn't even piss on him to put it out.

thisyearisthe - If David Wells was on fire, it would take a lot more than one guy pissing on him to put it out.

Sixth Inning

FelixMantilla - Gawd do I hate seeing the Red Sox try to hit leftys.

Magpie - Gregg Zaun rocks.

MikeGreen - The Jays sure missed Zaun when he was out. They need to find a backup.

DaveTill - What, you are not impressed by the awesome hitting machine that is Ken Huckaby?

Seventh Inning

thisyearisthe - This would be a good time for Trot Nixon to prove he can hit lefties.

Deweys New Stance - Well, there ya' go, nice leadoff single by Trot against a lefty. And very cool red-striped Puma spikes that he's wearing.

DrZarco - That's rough - I thought the first two pitches were BOTH strikes to Nixon, both called balls, so Downs has to come back with a fastball. No help from the ump.

VBF - Get the pen up.

Magpie - Frasor's up. Keep Varitek batting RH, increase the GDP chance. Then Frasor for Millar.

941827 - Need a two-out hit from Pro here...

VBF - Crap.

Deweys New Stance - I love The Professional.

ManilaSoxFAN - Well, whaddya know. Huh. We can hit the ball pretty well and we're never out of a game. Shocker. Mueller, Horny, Millar and ER will be fine. One by one, they'll prove their long-running success is a good indicator that they can have long-running success. Ditto with Wells.

941827 - MAKE US LOVE YOU, YOU FAT @#%$.

Deweys New Stance - I still love Hazel Mae.

MikeGreen - Timlin in. Gross for Johnson?

Deweys New Stance - Well, that's not happening....Timlin coming in. Can't argue with that either now that the tying run is on.

VBF - SPARKY!

exCentralSquare - Fuk you Reed Johnson. Seriously.

reggiecleveland - I knew Timlin was due to blow one.

VBF - I would give my finest goat to be at this game.

Deweys New Stance - Ah well. Timlin doesn't seem to have it tonight. He's the one guy in the pen who I've always felt confidence with coming into a game for the past three years. Tek throwing out that runner is huge right now.

DaveTill - Busted H&R, alas.

Eighth Inning

941827 - Batista has been throwing pretty well, so the Sox had better get after Frasor here...

Nuf Ced - TIED AT 6 AFTER RBI SINGLE BY PAPI!

Cristian - Question: would the Twins have won a World Series by now if they kept Ortiz over Eyechart?

Frisbetarian - Apparently Javy Lopez broke his hand tonight catching a ball with the wrong hand. Anyone else hear this?

Magpie - Someone else needs a catcher.

NamedForHank - ME! AW CRAP!

DaveTill - It's official: Jerry Howarth just referred to the game as a honey.

Frisbetarian - Hudson can throw the leather, but if this was the old carpet....

Magpie - Hey Rook! You filling in for Craig on the Game Report?

CraigB - Hey yeah, someone better be doing my GR or it's going to be difficult... I'm not taking notes.

Magpie - Notes? You make notes?

MikeGreen - Craig, how about just the ninth inning?

NamedForHank - Yeah, this is the important part.

Magpie - Nothing that happened before matters. Like the NBA!

FungosWithJimy - So do we still come back with Foulke if we don't score?

thisyearisthe - I see Hillenbrand still likes the first pitch. Thanks Shea!

Ninth Inning

Nuf Ced - Hudson picked that throw on the SS side of second. Millar out.

WayneHousieHOF - Hudson annoys me.

DaveTill - Why do they even bother trying to hit up the middle?

soxfaninyankeeland - Did somebody shoot Millar when he was halfway to first?

Frisbetarian - Hudson can really throw the leather - did I say that already?

kevlog - In Rob/Amber wedding news... Tek, Damon, Bronson, Nixon, all signed the painting for Boston Rob. I have tears in my eyes here. (My wife has control of the main TV...yes I'm whipped.)

NamedForHank - OH CRAP, I'M MISSING ROB AND AMBER'S WEDDING?

HollywoodHartman - Lets end it here, not have to face Manny and Ortiz.

DaveTill - Hit homer NOW.

Nuf Ced - Embree in. Zaun grounds out to Renteria. One out.

VBF - You're not always going to hit walk off homers. Like Molitor with Henderson on base. He knew if he hit a homer he would win it all. But thats not percentages. He looked for a hit to keep the inning alive.

Nuf Ced - Hudson hits a loop single to left.

switchhitter33 - I am becoming nervous.

Frisbetarian - Embree walks the #9 hitter...

VBF - JEFF DAVANON SYNDROM COMPELS YOU.

Nuf Ced - A double play would be nice here.

Rough Carrigan - Um, I thought that a large part of the point of signing Keith Foulke, a closer who can pitch more than one inning was to use him in situations like the game being tied going into the bottom of the 9th on the road?

Rob - Going, Going, Johnson!

switchhitter33 - That...was so not a double play.

thisyearisthe - I HATE Reed Johnson.

VBF - I LOVE REED JOHNSON

FungosWithJimy - Reed Johnson. Is that a porn name?

MikeGreen - I don't think Player of the Game is tough today.

Harry Agganis - Oops. Who starts the next thread?

In Conclusion

Evidently, the one thing Red Sox and Blue Jays fans agree on is... Hazel Mae.