Sidney Ponson in a Beach Boys song? (Make that Sir Sidney Ponson) ... That's right ... it's time ... for another ... edition ... of ... Elliptical ... Information! ...

Our Top Story This Week ...
Pitchers Sidney Ponson of Baltimore and Calvin Maduro of LA along with Detroit OF Gene Kingsale missed game time this week to return to their home country of Aruba where they were knighted (no kidding) by Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands and Aruba governor Olindo Koolman. Please fill in your own punchlines, but for starters ...

Does that mean every game Ponson pitches now is a "knight game"? ... I confess, all I know about Aruba is that it's mentioned in the Beach Boys song "Kokomo" (Aruba ... Jamaica ... ooh, I wanna take ya ... down to Kokomo) ... We now have proof that Miami Dolphin kicker Olindo Mare's first name is not just a cruel joke played by his parents ... Didn't that guy Koolman pretty much have to become governor just to overcome the playground crap he took from kids making fun of his last name? ... Isn't this all terribly unfair to the legendary Radhames Dykhoff, the only other Aruba-born major leaguer, who logged one inning with the 1998 Orioles? ... Like Dykhoff, the three new Knights of the Diamond Table all originally signed with Baltimore, which suggests that the O's are dominating Aruba baseball scouting circles ... Just a thought, but is it possible they should focus some of those resources somewhere else, perhaps like San Pedro de Macoris?

Thank you for flying Curse of the Bambino Airlines ...
Actual conversation overheard in a meeting at the headquarters of the world's largest airline:
Person 1: "Last week was such a roller coaster. I mean, literally, one minute the CEO is standing at a microphone addressing cheering crowds and declaring victory and the next, he's resigning because of a colossal error in judgment. What a range of emotions to deal with."
Person 2: "Yeah ... I guess you'd say we're the Boston Red Sox of the airline industry."

Speaking of the Red Sox ... Let's say you're a Red Sox fan ... Let's say it's March 30 ... And let's say I absolutely guarantee for you that on April 30, all of the following will be true of the hated Yankees:
- Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera have appeared in one game each ...
- Steve Karsay has not pitched and may not pitch all year ...
- Juan Acevado is leading the team in saves ...
- Randy Choate is leading the team in ERA ...
- Jason Giambi is hitting .194 ...
- Erick Almonte is the starting shortstop ...
- Nick Johnson is leading the team in OBP ...
- Jose Contreras is pitching against the Toledo Mud Hens this week ...
- Veteran 3B Todd Zeile and Robin Ventura are platooning to the tune of a .250 batting average ...

And now let's say I further entice you with the fact that your beloved Sawx are 18-9. How does it feel, Beaneater, to only be three games out of first place?

Random Thoughts and Jumbled Jottings ...
Separated at birth: Mark Teixeira and B-Movie Action Star Billy Zane ... Who gets back to the majors first? Rickey Henderson or Rick Ankiel? ... Is Rafael Palmeiro the most under-the-radar legitimate superstar in the history of the great game? That mantle (not Mickey) used to be reserved for Steady Eddie Murray. But does anyone realize that by the end of 2004, Raffy will be around 570 homers and 3,000 hits? ...

Here's your dream 1990's rotation, two righties, two lefties: Roger Clemens, Jimmy Key, David Cone and David Wells. Now quick, which team does this rotation represent? The Blue Jays or the Yankees? ... Seriously, did anyone out there have any idea that Kirk Rueter has a career record of 111-69? ... The Detroit Tigers are closing out April on a high note -- the final game of the month was rained out ... Even so, with a final monthly tally of 3-21, it's safe to conclude that they had a more successful April than the Red Wings ...

Running out of time ... running out of space ... running out of ideas! Until next time ...